An adult child suddenly thrust into caring for an aging parent is a stressful enough situation, but it often pales in comparison to what can come next, experts said.

Unprovoked criticisms, accusations of stealing from the ailing parent and misguided health decisions often emerge from folks, especially siblings and other family members, who usually aren’t interested in or participating in the day-to-day caregiving work, experts said. After the parent dies, what started out as rumblings sometimes escalates to lawsuits against the child who did all the work during the final years, they said.

Over the next decade, as mortality rates for baby boomers rise and their estates transition to their beneficiaries, the courts will be flooded in a “probate storm” of contested inheritance disputes, the American Bar Association said. That means many burned-out adult children will probably also face expensive lawyers’ fees while still grieving a parent’s death and when money is already stretched after months or years of caregiving, they said.

“Occasionally, there is a legitimate reason for the family to be suspicious, but more often than not, the caregivers who didn’t want to be involved in parent care aren’t interested in an explanation for what they view as their lost inheritance,” said Carol Bradley Bursack, certified dementia support group facilitator and author. “They want vengeance, and occasionally this even results in a lawsuit.”

What’s at stake?

It is estimated that the “Great Wealth Transfer” will move $124 trillion from the older, Baby Boomer generation to younger heirs over the coming decades. However, family conflicts could erode much of that wealth, experts said.

Family conflicts related to inheritance are among the most common factors undermining wealth transfers. Approximately one-third of people 50 or older have experienced conflict in their family related to inheritance at the time of a loved one’s death, AARP research showed.

Disputes that rise to litigation are costly. Legal fees, delays, and administrative costs sometimes consume assets meant for heirs or charities. Families may spend months – or years – embroiled in probate court, with wealth tied up and inaccessible.

Unless the adult child caregiver is an executor or trustee of the estate, that child also will have to pay his or her own legal fees to defend against any accusations of stealing or poor medical choices, experts said. Executors and trustees may be able to tap estate funds for legal fees.

“Unfortunately, the way our legal system works, you could be sued for shooting JFK. It does not mean you’ll lose but you have to fight and spend money,” said Larry Mandelker, partner at Venable LLP.

Deepening financial woes add trauma, experts said.

“The emotional and financial stress of this family betrayal on top of what is often years of sacrifice to care for aging parents can prove too much,” Bursack said. “One wonderful caregiver who stayed in touch with me was in this situation, and her solution was suicide. This woman had brought her mother, who had developed early-onset Alzheimer’s, into her own home, where she cared for her over many years. What a sad, heartbreaking end to a life that had been devoted to being a helper.”

Fractured relationships undermine families and communities. A 2024 Harris Poll showed 35% of 1,068 U.S. adults surveyed said they were estranged from an immediate family member such as a parent or a sibling.

Can adult children caregivers protect themselves?

Before taking on the primary caregiver role, talk to a lawyer. Enlisting a lawyer to help will probably cost money and time, but it may pay off later if it prevents major disputes.

“You need to go in and meet with another elder law attorney and get power of attorney and signed caregiver documents,” said Patrick Simasko, elder law attorney and financial adviser at Simasko Law. “Before touching your parent, see a lawyer. Ask what do I do to stay out of trouble?”

Some ways to stay out of trouble, attorneys said, include:

• Detailed records: “The best defense is real careful records,” Mandelker said. “If you write a check for $1,500 and it is to reimburse yourself, make sure you have the paperwork showing you paid for a caregiver or cabs to get to doctors’ appointments.” Defending against abuse claims heavily depends on facts, precise records, and concrete proof.
• Over-communication: “If you’re not keeping family apprised on what is happening in their loved one’s life, including financially, then surprises come and lend themselves to lawsuits,” said Scott Rahn, partner at RMO LLP. “Sunlight is the best antiseptic so report monthly, annually, and keep family informed. Here’s what is going on with medical and financials.” He acknowledged this is added work for strained caregivers, but “AI can help summarize emails for financials and provide a monthly report you can send.”
• Caregiver agreement: A parent can legally compensate a child for caregiving services, but it needs to be a written contract between a parent and an adult child that formally defines the services being provided and compensation rate. It turns an informal family arrangement into a legal transaction that can protect everyone involved, Simasko said.
• Clear and well-documented estate plans: Not just clearly written wills, POAs and living wills, but private attorney meetings with the parent and clear records of their stated wishes are the strongest defenses available to the caregiving child.

What if there wasn’t time for all of this?

Planning is always the best way to avoid problems, but caregiving needs often emerge suddenly, Bursack said.

“It’s best, of course, if the family can lay out a plan ahead of time, preferably with the help of an elder care attorney, so that expectations are clear. Yet life isn’t always this neat,” she said. “It’s common for an emergency to occur or cognitive decline to suddenly become evident, and someone must help. In these situations, the family member who steps up will rarely think to keep every receipt and maintain detailed logs, since they are already overwhelmed by caregiving needs.”

Even with a well-documented paper trail, “some will still push through even though the court will likely side with a well-documented caregiver’s account,” she said. “When greed and selfishness meet in this way, the caregiver loses. I hope that one day, in-home care will be a covered Medicare benefit. This would be a step forward in supporting the people who, by some estimates, save the government more than a billion dollars each year by providing unpaid care for our vulnerable elders.”

Medora Lee is a money, markets and personal finance reporter at USA TODAY. You can reach her at mjlee@usatoday.com and subscribe to our free Daily Money newsletter for personal finance tips and business news every Monday through Friday morning.