Reeling from heartbreak and feeling unmoored in the midst of divorce, Alex Farrington turned to social media to find community.

“I couldn’t get out of bed, I was so depressed. I was struggling so much. My life was in ruins,” Farrington, 33, told USA TODAY.

But online, all she saw were videos of “divorce glow ups” and women sharing lists of “red flags” they’d ignored in their past relationships. Most of these people, she found, said they breezed through the grieving phase in a couple of months and felt so much lighter and freer post divorce.

Two years after her split with her ex, Farrington still doesn’t feel that way. “Sometimes women aren’t better off after divorce,” she captioned a recent TikTok post. Farrington, who identifies as nonbinary, told USA TODAY that her ex has delayed divorce proceedings, so technically they still aren’t divorced even though she hasn’t seen her husband in nearly three years.

“My life is infinitely worse,” Farrington said in the video, posted in July. “I don’t want to make my favorite meal for dinner in a silent house.”

Thousands of women have taken to social media to share their experiences with divorce. It’s a step in the right direction, some experts say, since divorce was a taboo topic for several decades. While social media has done a lot to destigmatize divorce and encourage some people to find the confidence to leave broken or even abusive marriages, it’s made others feel ostracized if their experience doesn’t mirror what they see online, said Jackie Combs, a family lawyer. And moving through a divorce is often a trying time for many individuals.

“You’re navigating the termination of your marriage, you are dealing with very heavy issues, financial issues that can be incredibly complex,” Combs said. “It is very layered.”

Farrington said she’s happy for the women who feel better post divorce. That’s just not her story. Her videos resonate with women going through divorce, too, but for different reasons.

“The more time passed, the more alone I felt,” Farrington said. “Because I just kept thinking, am I wrong for still being so sad?”

Divorce parties, divorce glow ups and celebrating new chapters

Previous generations may have looked at divorce as a personal failure, Combs said, “which it is not.”

“It’s the beginning of a new chapter,” Combs said.

Some women have leaned into celebrating their new chapters after divorce, even throwing divorce parties to mark the occasion. Lindsey Norris, 37, posted videos of her divorce party on TikTok. She owns a T-shirt business in Georgia, and her friends sported shirts with quippy lines like “I offered to key his car” and “I should have lied about being ordained.”

The party, which Norris held just a few days after her divorce was finalized, had music, games, a “glow up board” where her friends shared positive things that have happened since her breakup, a cake and a fire where Norris burned her marriage certificate and her wedding dress.

“It was all just very cathartic and healing,” Norris said. “I’m so glad this chapter is over.”

Norris said she feels like she’s had a “divorce glow up” and feels “a million pounds lighter, and a million pounds happier.”

She added, “Everybody that knows me is like, you look better, your skin is better.”

There is some validity to the “divorce glow up,” Combs said, though it has less to do with the divorce itself and more about the lifestyle changes some people make while transitioning to a new chapter.

“The idea is that maybe your cortisol levels have dropped, you’re not as stressed, you’re out of perhaps a toxic relationship, and that is why you are looking better,” said Gabriella Pomare, a family lawyer in Australia and host of the Before It Breaks podcast.

But no matter which videos women are seeing about divorce online, Combs said it’s important to remember that those posts are curated, and that people are rarely able to share the full story in a short video.

‘Posting on TikTok has saved me.’

Once Farrington started to share her own story of a relationship that seemingly changed overnight, she said she received hundreds of messages from women who have gone through something similar. She’s kept in touch with some of them, and even has met a couple of her followers in person.

“I think in many ways, posting on TikTok has saved me. One, because it got me out of the house,” she said. She added that once, someone commented on a particularly vulnerable video about her grief, saying “you have to fight for your life.” Farrington said she wrote that quote in red lipstick on her mirror, and sees it every day.

“Something about seeing that totally changed everything,” she said. “I don’t know who that person is, but they might have saved my life.”

Madeline Mitchell’s role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.

Reach Madeline at memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ on X.